Somehow, along the way, I became bitter. I forgot how much love I have inside, how much more there is besides pain. I forgot to thank my mom for giving birth to me and instead I started judging her from my adult eyes now.
I forgot all the compassion I have for life.
All the beauty I used to stare at is now only captured in instagram stories.
I have emptied myself trying to show the world how much there is inside.
I have ignored all the advice my father gave me and instead I judged him too, for not being able to give up on his habits. And now I am a slave of my habits.
The day I went home to see my parents, my father was waiting for me at the airport, something I took for granted, and sort of expected it to happen.
My father cried when he saw me, and all I could think of was how fragile he is becoming and I am not there to make him stronger like he made me, as a child.
He taught me to be independent and smart, and I ended up being dependent on someone who did not know how to hold me.
Now, when my ship is sinking and I need help, the only people capable of giving me what I need are my parents and my brother. My family. This holly entity that plays such an important role in my identity. They are there, resistant through time, sorrow, happiness and all kind of tragedies and betrayals. Still there.
I guess I am writing this as a way of reminding myself how much I love them and just because this someone cannot accept all the love and all the flaws I have inside, it does not mean that I need to turn my inside into a war, but instead I need to keep on nurturing the peace, the love and the understanding I’ve lived with for so many years before I started expecting them from someone else.
I need to remind myself that I am enough and there is enough love that my family gives to me, and that I am always in their thoughts and, therefore, I matter.
I matter much more than I think I do when I empty a bottle of wine.
I matter more than the job I have or the friends that I have.
I matter more than what I own, or what I buy, or do.
I matter just because I am me and there is no other me than myself, so I guess it’s time to love myself again.