And so they left.

I have never thought that an already empty house can become emptier when someone you love leaves.

I have, however, thought many times that the space we are always trying to occupy in our rooms remains empty in our soul unless someone comes and embraces our silence, thoughts and most of all, suffering.

It took me a few years to become comfortable in my own space, in my own little world and the change I went through caused me a lot of pain that, very often, I did not know how to explain.

The major discussion point around the pain has always been the empty space and the thought of not filling it in or not being able to grasp it. It seemed to me that getting a bigger place, having a bigger home would help in feeling comfortable, but that was just another illusion I fell for, thinking a bigger home would be the saving point I needed, to be able to leave some of the pain behind.

I thought to myself – the less things I need, the better – as a measure of precaution in case I need to leave again and not carry too many things with me. The pain of sorting out what you need and what you don’t…of looking at pictures, little gifts that remind you of people who are no longer in your life… I hate that.

As a consequence of always “sorting”, the space around me has become much more empty, as if I could always flip a switch to get the “ready to go” mode on.

The problem has arisen when the few people I can call family have stepped into this house and oh lord, they brought so much more joy and laughter than I am used to, so much more warmth, wisdom and compassion, that the bitterness of their memory cuts the empty space with a sword so sharp, you’d think the house itself wants to kick you out, as you fill it too much memories again.

I have written about my previous homes before, but once again I find myself in a situation where this home wants me out somehow and I don’t know what to do. Something is telling me I don’t belong here anymore, but where should I go now?

with love, Alexandra

(For the days when you forget it’s ok to feel what you feel now)