NOTE: I have written this text in Romanian, as a personal reflection on the last day in 2023. Later, I translated it into English, to share it with a friend, and he suggested to put it on my blog. So, here it is, Nathanael.

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I am not a fan of year-end balance sheets. I try to avoid the triumphalism (or catastrophism) that often accompany them. I have never been tempted to keep a diary, since I lack the necessary discipline, and I see this now as a great loss since I am getting more serious about writing my memoirs.

Today is the last day of 2023, and I woke up early, unable to fall asleep again. Therefore, I decided to reflect on this year’s experiences.

This was a challenging year, much like the one that preceded. Despite receiving exceptional treatment in my adopted country, the experience of cancer and subsequent convalescence was difficult to bear, especially given my current solitary lifestyle. While there is much to say on the matter, I will refrain from doing so at this time. Additionally, the climate of the country I reside in is another burden, as it is often bleak, with constant cold, wind, and rain, and infrequent sunshine. I so miss the warm waters of the Mediterranean and the vineyards of Provence!

Yet, I live close to my children and grandchildren, with whom I occasionally spend time when their busy schedules permit. Then there are the simple pleasures of life: coffee (which must be of good quality, as life is too short to drink bad coffee); wine, which can lift the spirits, as Scripture says (the same rule applies to this one as above), and whisky, Scotland’s great gift to the world, a warming drink that can comfort the soul in times of need. Alongside it these is music. Glasgow has a top music school and an exceptional musical life, which I enjoy as much as my budget allows.

The past year has taught me a difficult lesson in relationships. As a social person, I often process my life experiences through conversations with friends. While I am open to spirituality, I am not a saint, and my mystical experiences are a rare thing. Therefore, having close friends to share my life with is essential. Unfortunately, since I moved to be closer to my family at the age of 65, I have been missing this vital aspect of my life.

Friendship seems to me to be a disappearing virtue in these times of superficiality in which we have been given to live. And we cannot blame Facebook for it because Facebook is us.

Friendship, which the Greeks called philia, is essentially a species of love. What distinguishes it from the latter is the absence or blurred presence of the erotic dimension. The Celts called it anam cara, and for them it meant having a soul friend. There is an explicit dimension of mutual mentoring, of soul companionship or even spiritual companionship.

From a Christian theological perspective, human beings bear the image of a Triune God, that it of an eminently relational reality, which the Church Fathers described by the term perichoresis, which denotes the total interweaving/interpenetration of the beings and actions of the three divine beings, which is illustrated so aptly by the metaphor of the divine dance. Without such an outflow from the self to the other (Gr. ekstasis) there can be no growth and spiritual maturity.

The reasons for the scarcity of friendship in contemporary society are multifaceted. It is partly due to the individualism of modern society, as well as the inherent self-interest of the prevailing liberal ideology, which continues to dominate both the political landscape and social thought, even in the post-modern era.

A close acquaintance of mine once remarked that after the age of 60, people tend to lose friends rather than make new ones. Therefore, it is crucial that we make a concerted effort to maintain our friendships, to the best of our ability. Despite best efforts, however, relationships, including friendships, can sometimes end suddenly and without explanation. or, they may simply require resetting.

Relationships, like living beings, have a life cycle: they are born, they grow, mature, but may eventually gen tired, grow old and die. Occasionally, lost friendships can be rekindled, but this is often beyond the control of the individuals involved. However, forming long-lasting friendships is a rare occurrence.

As a predominantly relational being, I have formed numerous friendships of varying degrees, throughout my life, which I have maintained and nurtured when there was mutual openness. I am now approaching my 70th year and have several friendships that have lasted over 60 years. Nevertheless, I have also experienced intense friendships that ended abruptly and permanently due to various reasons. Here are just two such examples.

A teenage love ended painfully, due to betrayal, although my former girlfriend may attribute it to my lack of patience and understanding, but that is another discussion.

One of the most intense friendships I had as an adult ended abruptly when my friend, who was also my ministry partner in church leadership, realised that I would always retain my freedom of thought, which I was not willing to sacrifice for the sake of our friendship. I made for years efforts to rebuild that relationship, to no avail.

The painful lesson of this year came through the sudden and unexplained death of perhaps one of the most intense friendships I have ever had. Although it began as a mentoring relationship, it became and was for several years a kind of anam cara. In the difficult years after leaving World Vision, following another betrayal and other collateral crises, this friendship was an anchor and a source of hope for me. Unfortunately, it died almost instantly, around the time when I received my cancer diagnosis, and when companionship was something that I needed more than ever.

Strange as it may seem to me, and it does seem terribly strange, there are relationships that have a predominantly pragmatic basis and motivation. In this case the relationship will exist as long as the person concerned, or both friends, if that be the case, have some interest and derive some benefit from the relationship (we call this ‘friends with benefits’). When the benefit disappears, the relationship typically ends.

We may rightly ask ourselves whether such a relationship is really one of friendship, or something else entirely. We may view it, for example, as a kind of business relationship that ends once the transaction is complete. Theoretically, the relationship can be re-established if a new business opportunity arises, and it will eventually disappear, just like the first time. And, after all, there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as things are clear from the outset.

The answer to the above question isn’t quite so simple, since such a friendship established on pragmatic grounds (especially when they are unspoken or just subconscious) can look sometimes like any genuine friendship. Perhaps this is precisely why the pain of a break-up is as great as that caused by the break-up of a romantic relationship.

Recovering from emotional pain is a lengthy and challenging process, characterised by periods of calm and relapses into confusion. The pain referred to here has accompanied all three of the aforementioned ruptures, albeit in varying degrees and forms. In each instance, I was unable to process the experience until the pain had become bearable.

I have learned a few things from these experiences.

First, friendships, like romantic relationships, can be exciting, but they always come with risks. However, those who are not prepared to take risks cannot enjoy the incredible benefits of genuine friendship.

Secondly, when a friendship dies, the people involved retain, despite the inevitable pain, the formative benefits of that experience. So, not everything is lost.

Finally, I realised that friendship, like romantic love, is a delicate space where things cannot be forced in any way. It always takes two to tango.