So many negative feeling begin to enshroud me once again.
I feel like I have never ever accomplished anything, I feel like all I do is not worth it in the end or that nothing is worthy of anything.
I always have so many ideas, so many things I wish to get one day done, but all of them seem so… far away and almost impossible. There are too many things I could potentially do but I almost never have the time or energy.
I give up so many things that I like, from video editing to music to even writing and drawing. Video editing for me died when I had my youtube channel somehow broken and all from it deteled. I only have left a couple of old videos, but none were the best I ever did. All I have remaining are memories and no proof.
I gave up on music but I never seem to manage to make my electric guitar and bass to sound the way I wish. I am aware the sound I want can be accomplished only after processing the sound, but this still is a reason for losing my inspiration, focus and hope.
I gave up on writing because most of the times it feels like I write the same exact thing and nothing feels organic or natural. Its like I force words to just appear on paper or computer screen but they lack any meaning.
I gave up on drawing soon after I had a longer period of painting almost everyday. I progressed pretty nicely and I was aware of this, but even if I know I progressed, I still feel it will never be enough.
Its always the same feeling, that nothing is good enough, I polish up to the point it becomes way to polished and loses any sense of authenticity.
I give up on my attempts to learn more about web design and web development because I always feel my brain is not wired good enough to actually understand the concepts I need to learn. I work way more slowly than I should on a blog I wanted to soon release and I often feel its not the way I wanted it to turn out.
I gave up on all book ideas I had because I would get way too many ideas, way too many plot points I could cover and I was in the impossibility to actually decide what to keep and what to not.
But the most messed up thing is that I know I can get better at all things I like. I was able to progress in music in a short period of time, I was able to learn a lot after painting for a couple of weeks, I was able to learn better English and expand my vocabulary by simply writing on a RP game. I was able to get a web design job after only doing a short course and learning few things on my own. I know I am able to progress relatively fast, but for some reason I always get to have a roadblock ahead of me.
Is it maybe the imposter syndrome? Maybe I am truly terrible at all I attempt to do and I am aware of it? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that all of this is making me move backwards instead of forwards.
I guess my INFP nature and ADHD traits sometimes get the best of me, but I won’t give up.
One small step at a time.
